census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
