is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Randomize
