we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
