watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
