pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I want her autograph on my taint
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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