Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She told me I should be a condom model.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
