woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
