Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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