Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
