This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
