Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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