Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm at about main and main street
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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