i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I have aggressive nipples.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
