tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
