I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
