OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just threw up on my dentist
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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