Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
sex in a hospital.. check
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
