Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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