I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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