if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
