she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
