My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just want to make out with him forever
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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