I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
