I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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