Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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