anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
