I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
