theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
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I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
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The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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