the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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