chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
