By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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