I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
