matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
