She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
