She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
