my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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