Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
