I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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