You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
