I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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