got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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