At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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