I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
