Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
