I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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