my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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