All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
