420 ftw
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
