Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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