Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
