it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize