Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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