You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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