I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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