i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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