I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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