She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
