Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
